I’m totally confused… I think I may have missed the first 20 minutes or so of the movie because I genuinely have no f**king idea what’s going on ! Bruce Wayne is miffed (to put it lightly) at the Man of Steel, Kal-El (to call him by his rightful birth name) has issues with his place on earth, Lois Lane is up to her usual tricks of seemingly being the only person who can see through all the mysteries of the world and Lex Luthor wants to destroy the planet by releasing an indestructible Kryptonian beast ?? So, not much of a story to attach anything to….. but the effects are good !
Henry Cavell plays a good superman – rugged jaw-line and all-American good looks teamed up with a brooding hero utilising his unearthly talents sparingly in defence of the American dream. Ben Affleck as Batman ? I wasn’t convinced when he was first cast but he brings a chubby-darkness to the Frank Miller Batman that Christian Bale just wouldn’t have been able to pull off. The armoured suit donned by the Dark Knight at the end seemed to have been designed to act as a girdle first and foremost with the obvious features of attack/defence as an added bonus – a grenade launching codpiece would have been a good inclusion, especially if you consider the Schumacher-era Batman foibles of “Bat-Nipples” and the infamous “Bat-Butt” shot of Mr. Clooney. Wonder Woman ? Gal Godot does admirably but I’m afraid, as a child of the 70’s/80’s she’ll never be a patch on Linda Carter. Although, the future looks very bright for Justice League tie-ins….
Alfred Pennyworth was always the wisened and respectful butler of the Wayne family, looking after the personal requirements of the orphaned only child of Thomas and Martha Wayne… Jeremy Irons seems to have read the wrong synopsis and instead gives us a performance (albeit characteristically good) as a bored and indifferent minder.
And now on to Lex Luthor… Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey… both have done a great job in bringing the bald-headed evil mastermind to the big screen… does Jesse Eisenberg follow this tradition ? Does he f**k ! Mr. Eisenberg puts in one of the worst “acting” performances I have EVER had the bad luck to experience. Every second of his time on screen was painful to watch and it would appear that, criminally, somewhere a primary school is missing an understudy for their 2nd grade performance. Please, Hollywood, for all that is good in the world, please ensure that Mr. Eisenberg never sees the light of day again !
So, in summary… huge disappointment in the latest film to feature my favourite “super hero” of all time – Batman. A lack of story, not enough “bat-gadgets” and the worst acting job in the history of cinema. Two hours and thirty-three minutes of my life I’ll never get back – I’m just glad I didn’t have to do it in one sitting (that would have been impossible) or that I didn’t part with good money to see it. DC… time to get back to the drawing board !
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